Editors Note: Recently we hosted our first annual Force Barbell Strongman Competition. We asked any first time competitors to submit a post about their experience. Here is Courtney Tilly!
Often of late one question has perplexed my mind: Who am I?
I find it curious and quite limiting when I answer the question, “Who am I?” with something as simple as, for example, “A CrossFitter.” Not that I wouldn’t want to be considered a CrossFitter, because I most certainly and proudly partake in that aspect of the fitness universe. But the student in me, buried in 4 years of studies in psychology and biochemistry, pauses and asks, “Isn’t there more?” Therein that statement lies another answer: I am a student. But a student who CrossFits isn’t very exciting or convincing is she? Why do we seek to define ourselves so simply by lumping our talents or interests into single file? Ask me who I am and I will tell you I am a female, a student, a resident assistant in a dorm, a CrossFitter. I’ve now described my day-to-day activities to you rather than explained the inner workings of my being, or, who I am. It wasn’t until I participated in the Strongman competition at Force Barbell that I truly felt comfortable with this seemingly lame laundry list that so-called “defines” me. Competing, completing, and winning the women’s division of the contest introduced a few new terms to my list, most importantly: Strongwoman and strong woman, a title and a feeling.
Somewhere between pulling a truck fifty feet and taking the trophy into my hands I grasped onto the idea that whether I won or not, I am a strong woman. That is, beyond stronger than I ever imagined. Between the tingle of nerves before each event, the laughter and camaraderie amongst the athletes, cheering, and strategizing, I started to notice an incredible sense of focus I had never encountered with myself. Each time I heard “GO!” my mind was lost to what was happening all around me to hone in on me, myself, and the finish line. I couldn’t hear the cacophony of cheers and encouragement until I heard the judge say, “Stop!” Every time my mind returned to the world around me I felt relief, joy, and empowerment. I know I was not alone in the satisfaction and awe of stepping out of the harness and looking back at the truck now moved fifty feet forward because of ME.
This is not just to say that I felt strong and willful for myself but also for every woman there that day. I am so endlessly inspired by the efforts of each and every woman representing strength, determination, courage, and fitness in that competition. I cannot stress enough how impressive this is to me. Anyone there from the judge, athlete, to spectator, could see that we are not just a group of women pulling, pushing, and sweating it out. We are strong, talented, and beautiful. The culmination of these emotions and thoughts largely came from my reflection on the competition later that evening nestled on the couch. My ultimate recovery was in that reflection and asking, “Who am I?” and “How am I different now because of this experience?”
Fast forward several days and here I am still reflecting. The fact alone that participation in this one event has resulted in such a deeply personal and important shift in my psyche is reason enough to continue competing and continue searching my inner self. I feel I can now officially call myself a competitor (add that to the list) because clearly a competitive edge lives inside me like a balloon ready to burst. I’m so glad that this particular competition was my very first and I’m eager to exercise that section of my brain again. To deny myself the excitement of competition is not even remotely an option anymore. In this, I hope I share this same determination with everyone who participated because I swear the feeling of first place is too sweet to say no to another bite.
I’ve learned that by allowing myself to attach an emotion such as pride in my accomplishment (as well as for the other women present), the terms competitor, Strongwoman, and strong woman are not just tedious or boring labels I use to describe myself. They are shells representative of the pearl within. The emotions and experiences that lead to my choice terminology enveloping the self are indicative of the true sense of who I am. I may answer the question, “Who am I?” with a simple list of words that could mean so little as they stand, but the surge of feeling that accompanies each piece of me is where I see a girl that is complex and growing with each new experience to add to the list.
While I could go on and on into detail about that day and each individual event, I’d rather encourage anyone who participated to reflect on that day and how it might have changed you. Whether your motivation was purely to have fun, to prove yourself, try something different, or to win, there is something new to learn about yourself from the experience. I have taken away many lessons from this one day that have contributed to answering a complicated question: Who am I? While there are many ways to answer, I thank Force Barbell for hosting the Strongman competition that enabled a new sense of comfort with myself where I am not afraid to own my list of expressions and be entirely me.